After the popularity of Terry Chapman’s May 2011 What’s in YOUR Zombie Apocalypse tool kit? blog entry, we have taken your suggestions and created The Highland Woodworking Zombie Apocalypse Bug-Out Bag. Forget the chainsaw, as today’s zombies have seen all of the movies and know how to counteract the ever-popular chainsaw method of destruction. In today’s zombie society, it’s all about the hand tools and battery-powered drills.
Your very own Zombie Apocalypse Bug-Out Bag will come with the following life-saving, zombie eliminating woodworking tools:
1) Crown 1″ Rolled Edge Skew Chisel-Make sure you have the longest handle you can get. This is for both for leverage over the tool rest and distance between you and the zombie.
2) Festool TI 15 Impact Drill/Driver Li 3.0Ah-These Festools have a really long lasting battery, which is critical, since you never know how long the apocalypse will last. Don’t waste your batteries.
3) Drill Mounted 2 1/8″ Forstner Bit-This one is a little too close to the zombie to suit me, but it will do the job. Perhaps a cranial hit from the rear — oh wait, no brains, right?
4) Japanese Ikedame Ryoba Saw-Be sure you get this in the flesh eating teeth. Long handle and long blade works best.
5) Five Freud Thin Kerf Ultimate Cutoff Blades: 12″ x 96 Tooth, .091″ Kerf-It has 96 carbide teeth, it is thin enough to fly quickly and fly like the ultimate frisbee. Thin, fast, and deadly, wait they’re already dead!
6) Gransfors Bruks Nordic Battle Axe-this one speaks for itself, other than you really need a horned helmet to execute the blow.
7) Stick Fast CA Wood Finish Starter Kit-Spread a circle of this glue around your shop and it will be “the perfect glue for joining dissimilar materials.” You need to use the medium or thick viscosity glue since the thin will soak in too quickly to be effective and you need to have the activator close at hand so you can set the glue immediately. Otherwise they just stumble on through it.
8) Face Shield-Essential equipment for splatter control.
9) Gloves in a Bottle-No more sandpaper hands? How about no more zombie hands! Use this after you just decapitate a zombie and keep your hands feeling clean and smooth.
All of these tools for the small price of just $4,113.00, while supplies last*
As an added bonus, if you order your Bug-Out Bag within the next 24 hours, we will include 2 tickets for a tour of The Walking Dead set in Senoia, GA, just 35 miles from Highland Woodworking. Here you will have the opportunity to put your tools to the ultimate test!
We welcome any comments or questions if there are any added necessities or concerns that you can think of, as your safety and preparedness are our top goals!
*Please note that while we strongly encourage the use of hand and power tools in case of a zombie attack, this package is not actually available. We hope you enjoyed our holiday amusement and please have a safe and fun April Fools Day.